" I still can't believe this"

Its been almost a month since I was woken up out of bed to the sounds of my baby brother hysterically crying and screaming that his father wason the floor and not breathing.  I will NEVER forget the terror that ran through my body as I leaped out of bed. I don't even remember touching the stairs I must have flown down them, Steve said I was screaming, NO, NO, NO at the top of my lungs as I ran.  As I was trying to comprehend what the hell was happening.  I got to the kitchen and I saw his feet coming from out of the bathroom I honestly don't know how I kept myself from passing out right there on the floor next to him. I just kept screaming "Kenny, Kenny, get up O my god get up" I grabbed his hand to check for a pulse but did not find one, I checked his neck for a pulse but did not find one, I grabbed his upper body and was shaking him just praying for his eyes to open but they did not. Justin and I tried CPR but he did not move.  The man I loved for 25 years was gone and there was not a damn thing I could do about it.  Watching my brother and mother sob and scream in horror was more then I could bare. It was the worst thing I have ever been through in my life. The paramedics got there and told my Mom that he was gone and I fell to my knees and sobbed.
I screamed to you Lord soooo loudly, "Please don't do this", Didn't you hear me Lord?, Didn't you hear me?  Why us, Why him?  He never hurt a soul, all he ever wanted to do was make people laugh.  Why did you take him from us??  Why did we have to find him on the bathroom floor?  Is that fair Lord, NO its not!!!!! I trust in you and I have faith that you have a plan but this was a wrong plan for Kenny, Lord.  I need him ~ Justin needs him ~ My Mom needs him ~ The kids need there Ja Ja.........Our family needs him.  Now two parts of our puzzle are missing, Debbie and Kenny ~ its just not right.  Our whole world has been turned upside down in a blink of an eye and to be honest with you I feel like its all a horrible nightmare that I'm waiting to wake up from.  I keep thinking he is just gonna walk outta the TV room and say " O' hi Stac, how's it going"  but he's not.  I'm never going to hear his voice again, no more corny jokes, no more funny birthday cards that he picked out for me, no more wonderful family christmas breakfasts, no more BLTS (the best in the world), no more laughter or smiles.  This is just not right.  My Mom misses her man so much ~ I can't bare to see her struggle without him. He loved her so completely and so deeply!  This has been the worst 3 weeks of my life.  Living here knowing what happened and knowing he is never coming back, its unbearable.  I have been praying for strength and trying to tell myself he is in heaven and happy......but to be honest with you I don't care I want him HERE with us where he is SUPPOSE to be.  WTF  I'm sooooo angry right now, I don't know what to do.

Brad Paisley - He Didn't Have To be

This song is dedicated to Kenny ~ You walked into our lives 25 yrs ago and loved us as if we were your own children.  Never pushing us just being there and loving us. You loved me as if I was your daughter and treated me that way, You were always there for me when I needed you.  I wish you could be there when I marry Steve on the happiest day of my life.  I know this is what you wanted for me to find someone and be happy.  I miss you and think about you everyday.  It is so werid without you ~ Christmas is going to be awful without you ~ I hope you can see us from heaven and can feel how much we miss you and Love you.  I will be your precious forever.  Thank you for being the dad you did not have to be.