January 20th, 2005 the day my life changed forever just passed and still after five years I find myself trying to come to the realization that you are gone. I still wake up and think about you everyday. I miss you more and more with each day, each minute, each second that passes. "Time heals all wounds" is the biggest line of bullshit I have ever heard, time what is time, it just makes me miss you more!
I hear a certain song like Mel McDaniels "Baby's Got her Blue Jeans On" and the memories of our family trip to Florida rush through my body so intensely that I can barely hold it together. If I see a "Peanuts Gang" or "Tweety Bird" t-shirt the first thing I see in my head is you with it on. I saw a Shirley Temple doll the other day and instantly I thought of you. Something happens everyday.... some small .....some BIG but its something ...EVERYDAY that reminds me that you are gone. I tell myself its YOU doing these things to show me your still with us and sharing in our lives. I try to picture you looking healthy and beautiful again..... smiling and watching over us from heaven. But there are days its like torture to live without you. The happy times are a lil less happy because you are not there. Planning my wedding has been difficult without having you here. I have Mom and she is the most important person in my life but you were always a close second to her. Besides she is not my mom anymore a huge part of her died right along with you 5 years ago. She does not live, she exists and she says all the time that a part of her was buried with you.
Mom and I talk about you alot ~ It helps in some sick way to know we are both broken inside. Wow!!!! what a powerful thing to see written ~ Broken ~ I am I really am I am broken. Steve healed a part of my heart soul with his love and showed me that I can have a life and future, but he can never fill the whole in my heart that you did. Losing you has turned me into a nervous wreck, I worry about everything & everyone ALL the time. I never thought I would live my life and not have you in it and now that that is my reality its a bit much to handle.
I trust in the Lord and I trust in you that this is the plan and how your life was suppose to be, but let me tell you the first thing I'm gonna ask him is why he took you from us so early. He could have waited another 30years or so........I guess I needed to write this all out so I could read it over and over again and tell myself that everyone has a life plan and if you trust your faith and hold on to it like I am REALLY trying hard to do, then at some point I will accept that this was your life plan. I will always have the wonderful things we shared, the last night chats, the makeup tips, all the clothes I swiped from your closet, the concerts, the lunches, trips to the store, HUGS, never ending support and advice but most importants the laughs we shared. Going shopping on Black Friday will never be the same without you. I miss you and I love you Debbie :)
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