"Didn't Have To Be"

Not many people really understood how things were with Kenny and us 3 kids. We all had a different relationship with him. I can only write about my feelings towards him but I do know this, my brothers loved him.  Shawn and Shane totally brokedown the day we lost him, I only seen them like that one other time (when we lost our Aunt Debbie).  It was hard for me to watch my  brothers cry like that.  I will never forget there faces as they ran into the house that morning. Shock, disbelief, heartache......I can remember hearing Shawn swearing an yelling for Kenny to "get up"...... Shane saying over and over again "Are you fucking kidding me" " This must be a joke" The sound of there voices and the looks on the faces will be burned into my memory forever. It was a day I wish I could just forget but I can't. It replays in my mind everynight, I can see it playing over and over like a movie (a horror movie)  NO ONE understands what we go through on a daily basis at this house. Yes, life has continued physically...... but emotionally we are all stuck, stuck in June 28, 2010. Hearts still left open and raw, things still left unsaid, living in this house that was once filled with great memories but are now over shadowed by sadness. Missing him and wondering about what could have been, what should have been. My family is not complete anymore. The best way I could describe it is this , "It's like having a puzzle that is missing two pieces, it will never be a complete picture again"

Memorial Tattoo I got for Kenny

"Precious" that was Kenny's nickname for me.  He always gave people nicknames, that was"his thing". I don't know where it came from.... he has been calling me that since I was 10yrs old.  A few years ago I bought a tank top that said "precious" on it. I put it on and showed him and he laughed and said "Srac that's Perfeck" not PERFECT but "Perfeck" yep that was a "Kenny Thing" I had to throw that tank top out just a few weeks ago (does not fit my fat ass anymore) and it broke my heart.  My wedding was the best day of my life, but I must admit not having Kenny there made it bitter sweet.  It hit me the other day that Shyann will not know who "JaJa" is. All the other kids do, even Dillon remembers him.......but my daughter will not know him. No pics of him holding her, no special treats from him, no playing games with him........It's not fair that Justin and I get jipped outta those memories. 

We shared alot of traditions with Kenny, I never realized how many until this year without him. Halloween uumm SUCKED without him, Christmas well no words for how weird that felt without him, New Years Eve without the "Twilight Zone Marathon" ( I bet Mom REALLY missed that haha), No Valentines day sponge candy,  No birthday cards,  etc..........so much is gone and we must start over, but we don't want to. It has been a year, 365 days of sadness and heartache! Somedays it feels like it been forever since I've seen him and other days it feels like just yesterday. I guess I just want people to know how much he was loved by us......that he left a mark in this world.......that his love and his life effected people, my people. No he was not perfeck, no one is.......but he was ours and we miss him.......EVERYDAY........... not just today.

Steve, Kenny and I at his 50th bday party

Father's Day

As father's day fastly approaches it makes me think about MANY things. How soon my husband the man I love and adore will be a Daddy. I can imagine him holding Shyann with that big beautiful smile of his gleaming across his face, his amazing blue eyes sparkling with love for her. It brings tears to my eyes. I know how much Steven has been through in his life and I have heard him vow that Shyann will NEVER feel the emptiness of not knowing a father's love like he did. I know without a doubt that Steve will be an amazing father, that is one of the reason I married him. I look at how much he loves me, cares for me and supports me and I cannot wait to see him do the same for our daughter. 
 I think about how thankful I am to have my Dad back in my life as many years of not really communicating with each other. Its been a rough road I have traveled with him. Alot of hurt, resentment and anger but Steve has helped me to get passed that and just be glad that he is around and made attempts to see us. I always said that having my Mom's love and support was enough, but to know My Dad does think about me and love me is comforting. I know that he will play a role in Shyann's life and he will be a good PapsPaps to her. As Steve always tells me "life is too short to hold grunges".
I think about Kenny and how he never thought twice about being with my mother, even thou she had 3 children ages 8,9 and 10. He just stepped right in and loved us unconditionally.  Not many man would do something like that. I know things were said to him about it too, like "why would you wanna date a woman with 3 kids that aren't yours" but he didn't care he loved my Mom and he loved us.  Until Justin told us at his funeral I never knew for sure how he felt about us......when he told the story about how he said to Kenny about buying him a brand new car, he said " Come on Daddy, I'm your only child" Kenny interrupted him and said " No Justin, your not my only child I have 4 children, You, Shawn, Stacy and Shane" Well I guess that just sums up what kinda man Kenny truly was doesn't it.
I am so thankful that God brought all 3 of these men into my life ~  Happy Father's Day!

Faith is what you believe ~ Not what you know

I have seen so much suffering over the past week! Its hard for me to not be affected by it. 2 woman on Twitter that I follow have lost there babies after struggling to get pregnant for years. It is so unfair and I can’t seem to understand why God would allow this to happen to families. As I sit here 19wks pregnant myself worried sick everyday that this may end up my fate I pray for peace and comfort for these ladies. I think to myself why some woman (my ex sis n law 2 be exact ) were able to have two healthy pregnancies and easy peasy births and now have two amazingly smart, beautiful, sweet, loving children (credit to there Father, My Mom and Me for raising them) YET there are woman in these world who would be amazing mothers and would do anything to have just one child. They suffer thru painful fertility treatments, heartache like no other, only to be slapped in the face with a death of a child they never even got to hold. Its not right, its just NOT FUCKING right! I get so angry and I feel GUILITY as hell that I am still pregnant. I am so happy and overjoyed but I feel like I cant be TOO happy or else my baby will be taken too. This has been a rough 19wks already so far….worried about losing the baby, my diabetes, my high blood pressure the bleeding O that fucking bleeding. Its been enough to put me in a looney bin I tell ya.




I am not a holy roller nor do I ever pretend to be a perfect christian, but I do believe this……the Lord has done amazing things in my life, things that I cannot explain away as anything else but the Lord my father carrying me too it and through it. In the darkest times of my life he has shown me the light. I will never be embarassed about my faith. Below is a quote that has gotten me thru the deaths of my beloved Aunt Debbie and my loving StepDad Kenny I hope it will help some of you!



” I don’t always understand God, but I do always TRUST him”



This I pray ~ Lord please be with these woman, there husbands and families as they go through this heartache and try 2 comfort there hearts as only you our father can. I know we are never alone Lord because we always have you by our side! Please take those 3 lil angel babies into your arms and protect and keep them until they are reunitied with there loving parents again, Lord. In your precious name I pray Amen -

No one will ever know!

No one will ever truly know how much I miss you! There is still not a day that passed that you don't cross my mind. Somedays are harder then others but at least I don't cry every morning anymore. I cannot believe I got married and you were not there and it is ever more unreal to me that I am going to have a baby and you will not be there to hold her. Life changed so much after we lost you and it will never be the same.
Today is your birthday and I will remember the happy times and I will try not to cry. I love you and I miss you Deb, and I always will.

It's a GIRL!

I don't think I could have been more happy then when I heard that sono tech say "Its a girl" and she is perfect! 

"Tada"

My lil girl's profile