Rascal Flatts-I Won't Let Go Lyrics

I heard this song today on the radio and cried the whole way home. This made me think about my Gramma and what she going through and what we are going to face together. I will have her back no matter what! I love you Gram!!!!

Stressed beyond belief

I am 2mths pregnant and I have already been scared to death on three different occasions that I was losing or had lost this child. First when I kept cramping so badly I thought it was ectopic. Then I started bleeding on 2/10 and I thought I was having a miscarriage, went for my ultrasound and everything was ok I actually saw my babys lil heart flicker. Finally I felt a lil more calm and secure I was actually allowing myself to look at baby furniture, pick out names (for sure) and talk about planning the baby shower. Then on sunday we were having dinner at shawn and lisas and I went to the bathroom and WHAM!  Tons of bright red blood, like I got my period. I had a few small cramps but nothing major. I went into total panic mood. We went home and I stayed in the recliner all night. Yesterday morning I called the doctor and she got me in for a ultrasound at 145pm. I noticed the blood was darker now and seemed less which made me feel a lil bit better. So around 1030 ish I went to the bathroom and I heard and felt a huge blood clots come out. It was at least 5inches big and I total lost my mind. I thought OMG thats my baby just laying there in the toilet! I know its digusting to think about, but this is my life. I was hysterical, I called Mom and she could not understand a word I was saying, I was blubbering like an idiot. Finally I was able to get the words out and she left work immediately. I called Steve and left work about a hour later. The three of us just sat in my living room watching TV not saying much. My mind was racing, how horrible to think I was going to be a mom for 5wks and now its all going to be taken from me. I was devastated and heartbroken. I wanted to go to the sonogram and just get it over with. Steve was not allowed to come back with me at first. I explained to the tech (who was VERY sweet) what happened earlier and she said well lets just calm down and see whats going on. She put the wand on my tummy and she said "Well it looks like we still got a baby in there" I was not looking at the screen yet I was just horrified to see a empty uterus, so I looked over and OMG it was there and so much bigger. She said ok hun go take a pee, I will go get your husband and we will take some more measurements OK? I was like uummm what? ok? in total shock. I went and took and pee (relief) and then came back and she had already told steve the baby was still intact and we were going to look for a heartbeat and measure its growth now. Steve just winked at me I was in SHOCK seriously!  I had been trying to prepare myself for 48hrs for a miscarriage and by the grace of God my baby doubled in size. Steve and I got to see the heartbeat and she was actually able to measure the heartrate at this point, 150 bpm (which she said is excellent) She said it was growing well at 7wks 2days (due date nov 8th) and that my cervix was closed. Could not give me a reason for why I was bleeding or anything, so I have to call the doctor today. She said I could just be sensitive and that everyting is very vascular while your pregnant. I had bloodwork and I have been home on the recliner since.
This has been such a rollar coaster ride since I fould out I was pregnant. I just wanna emjoy this experience and be happy,  not scared to death everyday!  I need to have faith and trust that God will keep us both safe. I told Steve this baby is stressing me out already and its only been 2mths.

Love this song

Baby Shaver 3/11/11

I saw the babys heartbeat :)

I'm going to be a MOMMY!

Its really werid to say outloud but its true, I am going to be a Mommy.......Steve and I found out I'm pregnant on 2/26/11 ~  I took a pregnancy test because I was not feeling well and my period was about 3 days late. We had been trying since the wedding with  no luck so because of my age and the fact that we would like to have more then one child (not at the same time mind you) my doc gave me clomid to help me ovulate (which we ended up not needing). We decided to try one more month (february) without any drugs. I ovulated on my own on the 2/10 and then of course I had to go out of town for the Bon Jovi concert. I remember on the drive to Pittsburgh telling Karen and Kristen that it felt different this time (my cycle).  I had alot of cramping and werid pains (which is apparently normal).  When we got home the next day Steve was very sick with some kinda 48hr bug so we literally only BD'ed 2 x's my entire ovulation.  Sooooo I thought for sure there was NO way in hell we got pregnant (I was wrong). I was so sick to my stomach friday night and so tired we ended up canceling plans to go out with friends that night.  Saturday morning I got up early and was cleaning up around the house, went online to check FB and emails, etc the "normal stuff".   I took my meds and made some breakfast and was sitting on the recliner and starting getting waves of nausea. So I thought maybe I should go take that last pregnancy test I have in the cabniet. So I did, mind you this was at like 10am so I had pee'ed like 4 times already that morning, hence this was not my frist urine of the day. So I put the cap on the test and turned around to wash my hands, I looked back and I screamed "HOLY SHIT" there are two lines!  I thought for sure I was seeing things, SOOOO many times I had taken that test and got only one line (negative). So I grabbed it and ran into the kitchen to look at it in better light, well by then it was a very DARK pink two lines and it was very obviously POSITIVE!  I was shaking and crying and jumping around like a lunitic. Steve was working OT of course, So I grabbed the test and the instructions and RAN downstairs to Mom's house. I could not say a word, I had this HUGE lump in my throat. I just was holding the test out towards her crying.  She was like "what, whats wrong????" (sabrina and josh were here that morning) I said "Is there two lines Mom, tell me do you see two lines"  Sabrina jumps up and says " Aunt Stacy are you pregnant?" (im still trying to figure out how Sabrina knows what a pg test looks like? but, anyway) I think it finally started to sink into Mom what I was showing her, she grabbed it and said "Praise God its positive, yes there are two lines" Mom, Sabrina and Josh jumped up and we were all crying, laughing and hugging (it was great) !!!!!  I felt horrible that they found out before Steve but I could not help it, I was in shock and awwwww!  (btw Steve understood and was totally OK with it) I ran into Justin's room and said "Jus get up, get up now I gotta show you something" He jumps outta bed " what whats wrong, are you ok" he puts his glasses on and I hand him the test and he started screaming "OMG OMG your pregnant" and was hugging me (he cried too but shhhh don't tell anyone) So after reality started to set in (well it still has not set in yet 14 days later HONESTLY) I just kept crying and staring at that test like it was a check for a billion dollars or something (actually it is worth MUCH more then that) I wanted to call Steven at work and tell him, but I  wanted to tell him in person. I took a shower and tried to calm down and process this. I put on my makeup and did my hair all the while staring at the test on the bathroom cabinet, I kept thinking it was going to change :)  After 3 loooong hours Steve finally got home. I put the test in a bracelet jewelery box. I handed it to him and I said "Honey look at this cute bracelet I got today in the mail" he takes it and opens it and just stares at it and says nothing then finally he said " What is this?" I jumped up from the recliner and said " Were pregnant babe" he was in total and complete SHOCK .....seriously!  He said "What, where? I don't see it" So I took the test out and showed him the two lines and that it means pregnant. He said " wow thats awesome babe" (typical steve response) We hugged and cried. He changed clothes and slowly it starting sinking in that he was going to be a Daddy! He just kept staring at me smiling and staying "wow"....This huge smile was permanently on his face all day :)  He gets that smile anytime we talk about it. I was never so happy in my life, to be able to give my husband something he has wanted his whole life, well it just don't get much better then that! 
Since that day it has been an emotional rollar coaster. The concept of "waiting to tell everyone" flew out the window. We told my brothers, Lisa, Cheryl, Tracy, Ray, Alex, Lyd and the kids, Kris, Sue, Steve's brothers, Pastor, my Gram and John but I starting having these cramps pretty severe ones and I thought OMG here we go I am gonna lose the baby. I called and got into the doctors on Monday. She sent me for bloodwork and told me the cramps are normal for the 1st trimester. She said the bloowork results would be the best way to determine if its a viable pregnancy or not. So after 5 long scary days the nurse called and said "Congratulations your pregnant, your HCG levels are doubling and the doctor wants you to have a ultrasound". So Friday 5/11 at 9am I am going to have ultrasound done and I cannot wait to see my lil baby yolk sac :)  The cramps have been getting less and less, I actually feel really good, a lil tired no morning sickness yet!  I plan to announce it on FB and to the rest of my family and friends on Friday after the ultrasound.  Afer the cramping starting I got scared and stopped telling people. I need to actually see my baby first. I have taken 5 pregnancy tests since I found out and YEP I am still pregnant LOL.  It is so hard to believe that I something I have wanted, wished for and dreamed of my whole life is really happening. Steve and I have had many discussions about this pregnancy already and have decided we are going to take this one day at a time, and all we really care about it a healthy baby.   Boy or Girl who cares!  Don't ge me wrong I would LOVE to have a lil girl to dress up pretty .....but I love my Joshy and Dillon so much I can only imagine when its my own son how much love and joy it would bring. Steve would love a lil boy to play footbal with and stuff but when it comes down to it, we just want to be parents. We have our names picked out already, but hat will be kept a secret for awhile!  I am scared to death I am not going to lie, I know without any doubt I will be a great Mother, look at the example I have had my whole life how could I go wrong??? I just don't want anything to go wrong with the pregnancy.  I am on insulin injections now, my blood sugars spiked as soon as I got pregnant, so that has not been easy, but I will do whatever I need to do.  I am excitied, nervous, happy, thrilled, and most importantly Thankful!  Praise God for his blessings and I hope he watches over me and my lil baby and helps it to grow and be healthy. Anyone that could send some extra prayers up for Baby Shaver for the next 8mths would be greatly apprecaited ~ Thank You!

Amazing

Why her I will never know

Life has a funny way of throwing you a curve ball when you least expect it. The past few weeks have been a bit emotional around here. We found out my Gram has early Alzhemiers diease, which is heartbreaking to me. She has been one of the three main characters in this play I call "LIFE", I alread lost one and now slowly over the next few years I will lose another. She already has changed so much, its like a totally different person (who is not my Gram) is in her body. Once in awhile she shows her face but not very often. I think sometimes this might be worse then cancer, I mean at somepoint she is going to look at me and not know who the hell I am. Since we found out it seems I have become her Mother and she treats my mom like her lil baby that she has to take care of. Alot of things are going to be changing around here within the next few months. She cannot be alone anymore, I need to be able to make sure is taking her meds and eating properly. I am not gonna lie it is frustrating and upsetting dealing with her sometimes, but I love her so much that there is NOTHING I would not do for her. We are going to sit down and discuss what we are going to do, but at some point soon she is going to be selling the house and moving into a double with Steve and I.   She hates being in that big house by herself and I cannot run over there everyday, if she is next door or upstairs it will be alot easier and we can take care of things for her. I just pray God gives us all the strength to get through this. Its so hard for me to see her act like this she was always so strong, so in control of everything and now its like she is a child. I hope she will start taking the meds and that they will help her to stay steady for a long time to come. We need to get into a support group so we can figure out how to deal with this. I have so much more epathy for my cousins who have been dealing with this diease for a long time now. Two of my grandmothers younger sisters also have this and they seem much worse and it hurts me to because I love both of my great aunts dearly and to see them going through this is devastating too.
prayers are needed ~ Please