I have alot of shit going on right now that I know I have to deal with but I don't want to. First and foremost the whole "weight issue" I know I need to lose weight but I cannot seem to find the motivation to do it. I tell myself every morning to be good, stick to the diet, excerise BLAH BLAH BLAH but I always seem to FAIL :( I know its because I am battling depression (again) I keep trying to keep myself from falling down that hole again but I am afraid I am losing the battle. Since Kenny died it has been a struggle to stay sane its seems. I worry constiently about my mom, about justin......I have these bits of insomnia. I wake up in the middle of the night and all I see is Kenny laying on the floor and I can't seem to shake that horrible image from my head. I can't begin to tell you how frustrating it is to FINALLY have everything I ever wanted and still be sad :( It hurts Steve because he feels like he is not doing his job and making me happy, when that is not the case at all, it has NOTHING to do with him. Which he does not understand. So my decision is this I know its because I got mad at God (again) for taking Kenny from us so I need to accept it and get back to church. Sunday is a busy day around here but I will be up and dressed and heading to St Pauls come sunday morning NO MATTER WHAT I will be ~ I will pray again everymorning that God gives me the strength to lose the weight and get healthy, and most importantly I think I need to start consuneling.........as much as I dont want to I think I NEED to.........Im gonna go back to school in Febuary for my Phlebotomy certification and get this life of mine back on track.........pray for me :)
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