"Just keep swimming"

So things have been a bit like riding a roller coaster around here the past 2 weeks. Where do I being.....I had an appt. with my OBGYN and she did a f/u pap smear, she also gave me a Rx for clomid. She said not to fill the Rx till she got my pap results. If it was abnormal (again) she did not want me taking the clomid. Because of my Mom's uterine cancer history and Debbies history of ovarian cysts, she has been watching me closely. So after days of waiting I finally called and woohoo AMEN ...Praise Jesus.....I got the ok to proceed with the clomid. Pap was clear and I am to start the clomid on day 5 of my period. So per calculations I was suppose to ovulate on Feb 1st or 2nd. So I told Steve we have one more chance of doing this naturally (without clomid) so we were both hopeful. Now since I went off the pill in October my periods and ovulation have been right on time. I have been doing OPK's and getitng positive ones every month. Of course this month when we got the clomid shits gotta change RIGHT?  Why because this is just how my life goes ~ DAMN IT. So I have been testing for ovulation since the begining of the month, I have used 10 kits. Thank god they are only a dollar URGH!!!!!   I felt a few twings of pain today so I came home and took another OPK today and it was positive, not a super dark line yet, but by tomorrow I imagine it will be. So hopefully I am going to ovulate this month and if we dont get preggers then I will start the clomid when aunt flow comes to visit. Everyone keeps telling me not to stress about it and I am really trying not to but, its all I think about, especially at night. I picture myself holding a lil baby and it being mine alllll mine ~ Lord this is all I have ever wanted was to be married to a wonderful man and become a Mommy. Its the only dream I ever had my whole life. I am very hopeful and trying to stay positive about this whole thing, but honestly it sucks!  All I see are these lil teenage tramps getting knocked up everywhere I look and me a responsible married woman that can provide a stable and loving home with 2 parents its having issues having a baby. ITS NOT RIGHT!
On a positive note I am doing things on my 2011 list ~ I am going back to church again, which is making things easier, hearing how much you have been missed and knowing I have my pastor and church family praying for me is very comforting. I just give my problems to God and say you deal with it for awhile..... please and thank you!  I am going back the gym and TRYING (not very well thou) to watch what I eat.  I have registerd and paid for school, so March 2nd I will be starting phlebotomy classes. I got 4th row floor seats to see NKOTB in May with Cheryl ( I hope to be preggers by then) , so I am really looking forward to that.  Life is going pretty good I just gotta get my ass in gear and stop feeling sorry for myself and start living the life God has handed to me.