"Didn't Have To Be"

Not many people really understood how things were with Kenny and us 3 kids. We all had a different relationship with him. I can only write about my feelings towards him but I do know this, my brothers loved him.  Shawn and Shane totally brokedown the day we lost him, I only seen them like that one other time (when we lost our Aunt Debbie).  It was hard for me to watch my  brothers cry like that.  I will never forget there faces as they ran into the house that morning. Shock, disbelief, heartache......I can remember hearing Shawn swearing an yelling for Kenny to "get up"...... Shane saying over and over again "Are you fucking kidding me" " This must be a joke" The sound of there voices and the looks on the faces will be burned into my memory forever. It was a day I wish I could just forget but I can't. It replays in my mind everynight, I can see it playing over and over like a movie (a horror movie)  NO ONE understands what we go through on a daily basis at this house. Yes, life has continued physically...... but emotionally we are all stuck, stuck in June 28, 2010. Hearts still left open and raw, things still left unsaid, living in this house that was once filled with great memories but are now over shadowed by sadness. Missing him and wondering about what could have been, what should have been. My family is not complete anymore. The best way I could describe it is this , "It's like having a puzzle that is missing two pieces, it will never be a complete picture again"

Memorial Tattoo I got for Kenny

"Precious" that was Kenny's nickname for me.  He always gave people nicknames, that was"his thing". I don't know where it came from.... he has been calling me that since I was 10yrs old.  A few years ago I bought a tank top that said "precious" on it. I put it on and showed him and he laughed and said "Srac that's Perfeck" not PERFECT but "Perfeck" yep that was a "Kenny Thing" I had to throw that tank top out just a few weeks ago (does not fit my fat ass anymore) and it broke my heart.  My wedding was the best day of my life, but I must admit not having Kenny there made it bitter sweet.  It hit me the other day that Shyann will not know who "JaJa" is. All the other kids do, even Dillon remembers him.......but my daughter will not know him. No pics of him holding her, no special treats from him, no playing games with him........It's not fair that Justin and I get jipped outta those memories. 

We shared alot of traditions with Kenny, I never realized how many until this year without him. Halloween uumm SUCKED without him, Christmas well no words for how weird that felt without him, New Years Eve without the "Twilight Zone Marathon" ( I bet Mom REALLY missed that haha), No Valentines day sponge candy,  No birthday cards,  etc..........so much is gone and we must start over, but we don't want to. It has been a year, 365 days of sadness and heartache! Somedays it feels like it been forever since I've seen him and other days it feels like just yesterday. I guess I just want people to know how much he was loved by us......that he left a mark in this world.......that his love and his life effected people, my people. No he was not perfeck, no one is.......but he was ours and we miss him.......EVERYDAY........... not just today.

Steve, Kenny and I at his 50th bday party