Trying not 2

So my younger cousin had a baby yesterday ~ She is only 20 yrs old and it was not something she planned. He is a gorgeous lil baby and I am so happy her and her lil bundle are healthy......BUT even thou I am trying not to it makes me so frigging sad ;(   I feel horribly guilty for feeling this way, but as you see from the green lettering I am beyond jealous. I want to pregnant so badly I could scream. Knowing how much Steve wants a baby makes it even worse.  Last night I could not eat dinner, my stomach was just not right and I felt kinda pukey.........Steve says "ooooo maybe thats a sign"  with this HUGE smile on his face.  He has no idea that statements like that make me feel like such a failure. I want to make his dreams come true like he has made mine come true.  He says I already have by saying yes and marrying him BUT I know he wants another title along with husband he wants to be Daddy to. I know I am totally overracting to all of this, we just starting REALLY trying in October so its so pathetic of me to be acting this way when I know woman who have been trying for years, but I cannot help they way I feel. Today is just a O wooo is me day, I will get over it.
I wish I could be happy and positive everyday, but I just can't. I noticed since we losted Kenny I have been getting more and more depressed as the days go by. I told Steve the only day I felt " GREAT" in years was the day we got married.  I need to try and get back in the habit of going to church and worshipping my lord and being with my fellow church members, they lift me up and make me feel so much better.  Yet Sundays mornings I just lay in bed (wide awake mind you) staring at the ceiling but I don't get dressed and go.  I decided I am going to make goals for myself 2 per week that I must accomplish, and then 1 monthly goal, maybe this will help keep me going. I need some energy and I need to find a good Fun exciting job soon.
Maybe if Mom feels like it we might go see my new cousin tonight, maybe getting some baby lovin will rub off on me <3