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Saturday, October 15, 2011

One year ago ~

One year ago I became Mrs. Steven Shaver ~ best decision I ever made was going to dinner with him 4yrs ago.  I love Steve beyond what any words could ever express. He is the perfect man for me. He lets me be me, but keeps me in check with I get to be "too much".  He treats me like a Queen and loves me endlessly. He understands my insane ways of doing things and thinking about things and just goes with it. God knew what he was doing when he brought us together. I truly don't feel I started to really live life until I met him. Steve has been making all my dreams come true since the day we met. He was a sweet boyfriend, an amazing fiance, a undertanding wonderful husband and soon to be an incrediable father.  What more in life could I ask for hin a partner.  He has become my best friend I don't know what I woud do without him. He knows everything about me and I know everything about him........he loves me so completely.  I pray that everyone feels that love and peace that I feel when Steve wraps his arms around me or kisses my lips. I want nothing but to make him happy and to feel loved for the rest of his life and that is what I plan to do till the day I leave this earth.

Thank you for giving me everything I wanted and everything I never knew I needed Steve ~ I love you.......Happy Anniversary Baby :)

Sunday, October 9, 2011

My Photo Tree



Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Somdays its hard to breathe I miss you so much ~ Today is one of those days.Knowing I'm going to have a baby soon ( a girl too) and you will never know her, hold her, kiss her, change her, LOVE her ~ it breaks my heart beyond repair. But she will know you ~ I will make sure of it ~ I love you and miss you Deb

Sunday, September 11, 2011

9/11 ~ Remember

Today is a rough day for me and everyone else around the world. 10yrs ago I was awaken by my Grandmother screaming into the phone about the plane hitting the WTC. I turned on the news and was in shock and horror like everyone else. I had on CNN and I saw some of the more graphic images of my life. That day I watch a woman in a purple business suit jump from the 2nd tower moments after the 1st had collapsed. She hit the building 2x's before hitting the ground. I will never forget thinking how awful must it be in that building for her to think jumping was the best option for her. I was going crazy at home by myself. I wanted to go pick Justin up from school but they would net allow us to. I begged my Mother to come home, she works in downtown Buffalo in a high rise building. I just wanted everyone I loved with me so I could look at them and thank god they were still here. I will never forget that day or the many weeks that followed. I pray for all the parents who lost children, the husbands and wives that lost spouses, the children who lost parents, the brothers and sisters who lost sibilings and the thousands that lost friends!  " I dont always understand God, but I do always trust him"
Have a blessed sunday everyone.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Adele - Someone like you (OFFICIAL VIDEO LYRICS) HD Live from Brit Award...

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Room is DONE!




Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

My Triangle of support, love and friendship

Tuesday, August 9, 2011


My project for the new bedroom!

" Follow your heart,
but take your brain with you"

 “When you judge me without knowing me, you do not define me, you define yourself.”



Debbie I'm sure missin you today ~ everyday


Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Wordless Wednesday


Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

Monday, July 25, 2011

This one makes me DROOL

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Keith Urban - Without You (with lyrics)

Sunday, June 19, 2011

"Didn't Have To Be"

Not many people really understood how things were with Kenny and us 3 kids. We all had a different relationship with him. I can only write about my feelings towards him but I do know this, my brothers loved him.  Shawn and Shane totally brokedown the day we lost him, I only seen them like that one other time (when we lost our Aunt Debbie).  It was hard for me to watch my  brothers cry like that.  I will never forget there faces as they ran into the house that morning. Shock, disbelief, heartache......I can remember hearing Shawn swearing an yelling for Kenny to "get up"...... Shane saying over and over again "Are you fucking kidding me" " This must be a joke" The sound of there voices and the looks on the faces will be burned into my memory forever. It was a day I wish I could just forget but I can't. It replays in my mind everynight, I can see it playing over and over like a movie (a horror movie)  NO ONE understands what we go through on a daily basis at this house. Yes, life has continued physically...... but emotionally we are all stuck, stuck in June 28, 2010. Hearts still left open and raw, things still left unsaid, living in this house that was once filled with great memories but are now over shadowed by sadness. Missing him and wondering about what could have been, what should have been. My family is not complete anymore. The best way I could describe it is this , "It's like having a puzzle that is missing two pieces, it will never be a complete picture again"

Memorial Tattoo I got for Kenny

"Precious" that was Kenny's nickname for me.  He always gave people nicknames, that was"his thing". I don't know where it came from.... he has been calling me that since I was 10yrs old.  A few years ago I bought a tank top that said "precious" on it. I put it on and showed him and he laughed and said "Srac that's Perfeck" not PERFECT but "Perfeck" yep that was a "Kenny Thing" I had to throw that tank top out just a few weeks ago (does not fit my fat ass anymore) and it broke my heart.  My wedding was the best day of my life, but I must admit not having Kenny there made it bitter sweet.  It hit me the other day that Shyann will not know who "JaJa" is. All the other kids do, even Dillon remembers him.......but my daughter will not know him. No pics of him holding her, no special treats from him, no playing games with him........It's not fair that Justin and I get jipped outta those memories. 
We shared alot of traditions with Kenny, I never realized how many until this year without him. Halloween uumm SUCKED without him, Christmas well no words for how weird that felt without him, New Years Eve without the "Twilight Zone Marathon" ( I bet Mom REALLY missed that haha), No Valentines day sponge candy,  No birthday cards,  etc..........so much is gone and we must start over, but we don't want to. It has been a year, 365 days of sadness and heartache! Somedays it feels like it been forever since I've seen him and other days it feels like just yesterday. I guess I just want people to know how much he was loved by us......that he left a mark in this world.......that his love and his life effected people, my people. No he was not perfeck, no one is.......but he was ours and we miss him.......EVERYDAY........... not just today.
Steve, Kenny and I at his 50th bday party

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Father's Day

As father's day fastly approaches it makes me think about MANY things. How soon my husband the man I love and adore will be a Daddy. I can imagine him holding Shyann with that big beautiful smile of his gleaming across his face, his amazing blue eyes sparkling with love for her. It brings tears to my eyes. I know how much Steven has been through in his life and I have heard him vow that Shyann will NEVER feel the emptiness of not knowing a father's love like he did. I know without a doubt that Steve will be an amazing father, that is one of the reason I married him. I look at how much he loves me, cares for me and supports me and I cannot wait to see him do the same for our daughter. 
 I think about how thankful I am to have my Dad back in my life as many years of not really communicating with each other. Its been a rough road I have traveled with him. Alot of hurt, resentment and anger but Steve has helped me to get passed that and just be glad that he is around and made attempts to see us. I always said that having my Mom's love and support was enough, but to know My Dad does think about me and love me is comforting. I know that he will play a role in Shyann's life and he will be a good PapsPaps to her. As Steve always tells me "life is too short to hold grunges".
I think about Kenny and how he never thought twice about being with my mother, even thou she had 3 children ages 8,9 and 10. He just stepped right in and loved us unconditionally.  Not many man would do something like that. I know things were said to him about it too, like "why would you wanna date a woman with 3 kids that aren't yours" but he didn't care he loved my Mom and he loved us.  Until Justin told us at his funeral I never knew for sure how he felt about us......when he told the story about how he said to Kenny about buying him a brand new car, he said " Come on Daddy, I'm your only child" Kenny interrupted him and said " No Justin, your not my only child I have 4 children, You, Shawn, Stacy and Shane" Well I guess that just sums up what kinda man Kenny truly was doesn't it.
I am so thankful that God brought all 3 of these men into my life ~  Happy Father's Day!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Faith is what you believe ~ Not what you know

I have seen so much suffering over the past week! Its hard for me to not be affected by it. 2 woman on Twitter that I follow have lost there babies after struggling to get pregnant for years. It is so unfair and I can’t seem to understand why God would allow this to happen to families. As I sit here 19wks pregnant myself worried sick everyday that this may end up my fate I pray for peace and comfort for these ladies. I think to myself why some woman (my ex sis n law 2 be exact ) were able to have two healthy pregnancies and easy peasy births and now have two amazingly smart, beautiful, sweet, loving children (credit to there Father, My Mom and Me for raising them) YET there are woman in these world who would be amazing mothers and would do anything to have just one child. They suffer thru painful fertility treatments, heartache like no other, only to be slapped in the face with a death of a child they never even got to hold. Its not right, its just NOT FUCKING right! I get so angry and I feel GUILITY as hell that I am still pregnant. I am so happy and overjoyed but I feel like I cant be TOO happy or else my baby will be taken too. This has been a rough 19wks already so far….worried about losing the baby, my diabetes, my high blood pressure the bleeding O that fucking bleeding. Its been enough to put me in a looney bin I tell ya.




I am not a holy roller nor do I ever pretend to be a perfect christian, but I do believe this……the Lord has done amazing things in my life, things that I cannot explain away as anything else but the Lord my father carrying me too it and through it. In the darkest times of my life he has shown me the light. I will never be embarassed about my faith. Below is a quote that has gotten me thru the deaths of my beloved Aunt Debbie and my loving StepDad Kenny I hope it will help some of you!



” I don’t always understand God, but I do always TRUST him”



This I pray ~ Lord please be with these woman, there husbands and families as they go through this heartache and try 2 comfort there hearts as only you our father can. I know we are never alone Lord because we always have you by our side! Please take those 3 lil angel babies into your arms and protect and keep them until they are reunitied with there loving parents again, Lord. In your precious name I pray Amen -

Monday, June 6, 2011

No one will ever know!


No one will ever truly know how much I miss you! There is still not a day that passed that you don't cross my mind. Somedays are harder then others but at least I don't cry every morning anymore. I cannot believe I got married and you were not there and it is ever more unreal to me that I am going to have a baby and you will not be there to hold her. Life changed so much after we lost you and it will never be the same.
Today is your birthday and I will remember the happy times and I will try not to cry. I love you and I miss you Deb, and I always will.


Sunday, June 5, 2011

It's a GIRL!

I don't think I could have been more happy then when I heard that sono tech say "Its a girl" and she is perfect! 

"Tada"


My lil girl's profile

Thursday, May 26, 2011

NKOTB

So I am going to write and entire blog entirely dedicated to the NKOTB (Donnie Wahlberg in particular) after the show on Saturday! So brace yourselfs!!!! you have been warned!!!!!

@ the NKOTB At darien lake 6/14/08

DONNIE aka SEXY BEAST

My hot boys at the DArien lake Show

Saturday may 28th 2011

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Glee - Seasons Of Love (Rent cast singing)

Thursday, May 12, 2011

15 weeks

So I am 15wks today....Only 175 days until I finally get to meet my lil bundle of joy :) Never in my life did I think I could feel so happy, excited and content. I have not felt complete contentment EVER in my life.  Now with a husband who loves me, supports me, nurtures me and is my best friend and a baby we created together on the way, I don't think I could ask for much more. I know God had his hand in this, it was his plan from the start and I am trying to live my life as he wants me to (even when other people make is VERY hard for me) I know what kinda person I am and so do the people close to me and they are all that really matters. No one else is really relevant in my life. I have wonderful friends and family that are so in love with this baby already that it seriously leaves me speechless.

I can tell I am changing as a person, there is something about having a life growing inside of you that gives you a major wake up call as to what and who really matter in your life. I am thankful for the support and love of my husband, my mother and my brother Justin. They are the 3 main people here with me 24/7 when I am scared, bitchy, happy, nervous or worried, they always support and walk me through it. This has been a tough pregnancy so far and without them I just don't know how I could have made it through. Thank you just does not seem good enough ~  but THANK YOU...............                                                                      

Saturday, April 30, 2011

New Blog

So I decided to make a new blog dedicated just to the baby. I can put feelings, photos and memories of everything on there. Then I can print it all out after he/she is born and make a book out of it for my child to keep forever. This blog is for everything else going on in my life........although this baby is all consuming! Anyone who wants to follow the blog is more then welcome too  http://babyshaver2011.blogspot.com/
Its been a crazy adventure already and I am only 3mths prego!

Friday, March 25, 2011

Rascal Flatts-I Won't Let Go Lyrics



I heard this song today on the radio and cried the whole way home. This made me think about my Gramma and what she going through and what we are going to face together. I will have her back no matter what! I love you Gram!!!!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Stressed beyond belief

I am 2mths pregnant and I have already been scared to death on three different occasions that I was losing or had lost this child. First when I kept cramping so badly I thought it was ectopic. Then I started bleeding on 2/10 and I thought I was having a miscarriage, went for my ultrasound and everything was ok I actually saw my babys lil heart flicker. Finally I felt a lil more calm and secure I was actually allowing myself to look at baby furniture, pick out names (for sure) and talk about planning the baby shower. Then on sunday we were having dinner at shawn and lisas and I went to the bathroom and WHAM!  Tons of bright red blood, like I got my period. I had a few small cramps but nothing major. I went into total panic mood. We went home and I stayed in the recliner all night. Yesterday morning I called the doctor and she got me in for a ultrasound at 145pm. I noticed the blood was darker now and seemed less which made me feel a lil bit better. So around 1030 ish I went to the bathroom and I heard and felt a huge blood clots come out. It was at least 5inches big and I total lost my mind. I thought OMG thats my baby just laying there in the toilet! I know its digusting to think about, but this is my life. I was hysterical, I called Mom and she could not understand a word I was saying, I was blubbering like an idiot. Finally I was able to get the words out and she left work immediately. I called Steve and left work about a hour later. The three of us just sat in my living room watching TV not saying much. My mind was racing, how horrible to think I was going to be a mom for 5wks and now its all going to be taken from me. I was devastated and heartbroken. I wanted to go to the sonogram and just get it over with. Steve was not allowed to come back with me at first. I explained to the tech (who was VERY sweet) what happened earlier and she said well lets just calm down and see whats going on. She put the wand on my tummy and she said "Well it looks like we still got a baby in there" I was not looking at the screen yet I was just horrified to see a empty uterus, so I looked over and OMG it was there and so much bigger. She said ok hun go take a pee, I will go get your husband and we will take some more measurements OK? I was like uummm what? ok? in total shock. I went and took and pee (relief) and then came back and she had already told steve the baby was still intact and we were going to look for a heartbeat and measure its growth now. Steve just winked at me I was in SHOCK seriously!  I had been trying to prepare myself for 48hrs for a miscarriage and by the grace of God my baby doubled in size. Steve and I got to see the heartbeat and she was actually able to measure the heartrate at this point, 150 bpm (which she said is excellent) She said it was growing well at 7wks 2days (due date nov 8th) and that my cervix was closed. Could not give me a reason for why I was bleeding or anything, so I have to call the doctor today. She said I could just be sensitive and that everyting is very vascular while your pregnant. I had bloodwork and I have been home on the recliner since.
This has been such a rollar coaster ride since I fould out I was pregnant. I just wanna emjoy this experience and be happy,  not scared to death everyday!  I need to have faith and trust that God will keep us both safe. I told Steve this baby is stressing me out already and its only been 2mths.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Love this song

Friday, March 11, 2011

Baby Shaver 3/11/11

I saw the babys heartbeat :)

I'm going to be a MOMMY!

Its really werid to say outloud but its true, I am going to be a Mommy.......Steve and I found out I'm pregnant on 2/26/11 ~  I took a pregnancy test because I was not feeling well and my period was about 3 days late. We had been trying since the wedding with  no luck so because of my age and the fact that we would like to have more then one child (not at the same time mind you) my doc gave me clomid to help me ovulate (which we ended up not needing). We decided to try one more month (february) without any drugs. I ovulated on my own on the 2/10 and then of course I had to go out of town for the Bon Jovi concert. I remember on the drive to Pittsburgh telling Karen and Kristen that it felt different this time (my cycle).  I had alot of cramping and werid pains (which is apparently normal).  When we got home the next day Steve was very sick with some kinda 48hr bug so we literally only BD'ed 2 x's my entire ovulation.  Sooooo I thought for sure there was NO way in hell we got pregnant (I was wrong). I was so sick to my stomach friday night and so tired we ended up canceling plans to go out with friends that night.  Saturday morning I got up early and was cleaning up around the house, went online to check FB and emails, etc the "normal stuff".   I took my meds and made some breakfast and was sitting on the recliner and starting getting waves of nausea. So I thought maybe I should go take that last pregnancy test I have in the cabniet. So I did, mind you this was at like 10am so I had pee'ed like 4 times already that morning, hence this was not my frist urine of the day. So I put the cap on the test and turned around to wash my hands, I looked back and I screamed "HOLY SHIT" there are two lines!  I thought for sure I was seeing things, SOOOO many times I had taken that test and got only one line (negative). So I grabbed it and ran into the kitchen to look at it in better light, well by then it was a very DARK pink two lines and it was very obviously POSITIVE!  I was shaking and crying and jumping around like a lunitic. Steve was working OT of course, So I grabbed the test and the instructions and RAN downstairs to Mom's house. I could not say a word, I had this HUGE lump in my throat. I just was holding the test out towards her crying.  She was like "what, whats wrong????" (sabrina and josh were here that morning) I said "Is there two lines Mom, tell me do you see two lines"  Sabrina jumps up and says " Aunt Stacy are you pregnant?" (im still trying to figure out how Sabrina knows what a pg test looks like? but, anyway) I think it finally started to sink into Mom what I was showing her, she grabbed it and said "Praise God its positive, yes there are two lines" Mom, Sabrina and Josh jumped up and we were all crying, laughing and hugging (it was great) !!!!!  I felt horrible that they found out before Steve but I could not help it, I was in shock and awwwww!  (btw Steve understood and was totally OK with it) I ran into Justin's room and said "Jus get up, get up now I gotta show you something" He jumps outta bed " what whats wrong, are you ok" he puts his glasses on and I hand him the test and he started screaming "OMG OMG your pregnant" and was hugging me (he cried too but shhhh don't tell anyone) So after reality started to set in (well it still has not set in yet 14 days later HONESTLY) I just kept crying and staring at that test like it was a check for a billion dollars or something (actually it is worth MUCH more then that) I wanted to call Steven at work and tell him, but I  wanted to tell him in person. I took a shower and tried to calm down and process this. I put on my makeup and did my hair all the while staring at the test on the bathroom cabinet, I kept thinking it was going to change :)  After 3 loooong hours Steve finally got home. I put the test in a bracelet jewelery box. I handed it to him and I said "Honey look at this cute bracelet I got today in the mail" he takes it and opens it and just stares at it and says nothing then finally he said " What is this?" I jumped up from the recliner and said " Were pregnant babe" he was in total and complete SHOCK .....seriously!  He said "What, where? I don't see it" So I took the test out and showed him the two lines and that it means pregnant. He said " wow thats awesome babe" (typical steve response) We hugged and cried. He changed clothes and slowly it starting sinking in that he was going to be a Daddy! He just kept staring at me smiling and staying "wow"....This huge smile was permanently on his face all day :)  He gets that smile anytime we talk about it. I was never so happy in my life, to be able to give my husband something he has wanted his whole life, well it just don't get much better then that! 
Since that day it has been an emotional rollar coaster. The concept of "waiting to tell everyone" flew out the window. We told my brothers, Lisa, Cheryl, Tracy, Ray, Alex, Lyd and the kids, Kris, Sue, Steve's brothers, Pastor, my Gram and John but I starting having these cramps pretty severe ones and I thought OMG here we go I am gonna lose the baby. I called and got into the doctors on Monday. She sent me for bloodwork and told me the cramps are normal for the 1st trimester. She said the bloowork results would be the best way to determine if its a viable pregnancy or not. So after 5 long scary days the nurse called and said "Congratulations your pregnant, your HCG levels are doubling and the doctor wants you to have a ultrasound". So Friday 5/11 at 9am I am going to have ultrasound done and I cannot wait to see my lil baby yolk sac :)  The cramps have been getting less and less, I actually feel really good, a lil tired no morning sickness yet!  I plan to announce it on FB and to the rest of my family and friends on Friday after the ultrasound.  Afer the cramping starting I got scared and stopped telling people. I need to actually see my baby first. I have taken 5 pregnancy tests since I found out and YEP I am still pregnant LOL.  It is so hard to believe that I something I have wanted, wished for and dreamed of my whole life is really happening. Steve and I have had many discussions about this pregnancy already and have decided we are going to take this one day at a time, and all we really care about it a healthy baby.   Boy or Girl who cares!  Don't ge me wrong I would LOVE to have a lil girl to dress up pretty .....but I love my Joshy and Dillon so much I can only imagine when its my own son how much love and joy it would bring. Steve would love a lil boy to play footbal with and stuff but when it comes down to it, we just want to be parents. We have our names picked out already, but hat will be kept a secret for awhile!  I am scared to death I am not going to lie, I know without any doubt I will be a great Mother, look at the example I have had my whole life how could I go wrong??? I just don't want anything to go wrong with the pregnancy.  I am on insulin injections now, my blood sugars spiked as soon as I got pregnant, so that has not been easy, but I will do whatever I need to do.  I am excitied, nervous, happy, thrilled, and most importantly Thankful!  Praise God for his blessings and I hope he watches over me and my lil baby and helps it to grow and be healthy. Anyone that could send some extra prayers up for Baby Shaver for the next 8mths would be greatly apprecaited ~ Thank You!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Amazing

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Why her I will never know

Life has a funny way of throwing you a curve ball when you least expect it. The past few weeks have been a bit emotional around here. We found out my Gram has early Alzhemiers diease, which is heartbreaking to me. She has been one of the three main characters in this play I call "LIFE", I alread lost one and now slowly over the next few years I will lose another. She already has changed so much, its like a totally different person (who is not my Gram) is in her body. Once in awhile she shows her face but not very often. I think sometimes this might be worse then cancer, I mean at somepoint she is going to look at me and not know who the hell I am. Since we found out it seems I have become her Mother and she treats my mom like her lil baby that she has to take care of. Alot of things are going to be changing around here within the next few months. She cannot be alone anymore, I need to be able to make sure is taking her meds and eating properly. I am not gonna lie it is frustrating and upsetting dealing with her sometimes, but I love her so much that there is NOTHING I would not do for her. We are going to sit down and discuss what we are going to do, but at some point soon she is going to be selling the house and moving into a double with Steve and I.   She hates being in that big house by herself and I cannot run over there everyday, if she is next door or upstairs it will be alot easier and we can take care of things for her. I just pray God gives us all the strength to get through this. Its so hard for me to see her act like this she was always so strong, so in control of everything and now its like she is a child. I hope she will start taking the meds and that they will help her to stay steady for a long time to come. We need to get into a support group so we can figure out how to deal with this. I have so much more epathy for my cousins who have been dealing with this diease for a long time now. Two of my grandmothers younger sisters also have this and they seem much worse and it hurts me to because I love both of my great aunts dearly and to see them going through this is devastating too.
prayers are needed ~ Please

Friday, February 25, 2011

Steve you changed my life

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

BackStreet Boys & New Kids On The Block = NKOTBSB (Performance In Americ...

Does anyone know WTF they are talking about?

So my OBGYN had me do bloodwork to check my hormone levels. She was so pissed that the endocrinologist told me I had PCOS.  She said I am your OBGYN not her and I will diagnose you and treat you for that NOT her!!!!  So I had the boodwork and done and guess what? I DO NOT have PCOS after all, she said my levels were fine, my ultrasound was normal and that there is no reason why I should not get pregnant. She told me things take time and to just stop thinking about it so much (alot easier said then done)  This is only month 4 that we have been trying so I guess I should not be insane about this. I know some woman who have tried for years and it makes me feels so guilty knowing how much they have struggled.  So I think the best bet is to just relax and see what happens. If by summer we are still not pregnant then I will be more alarmed. Hoping that I get my period on the 24th (unless we are alreay preggers, which we could be) and then I can start the clomid.  Lord please help us out here ~ PLEASE!!!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

For you My Auntie ~ Only God knows how much I miss you

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

"Just keep swimming"

So things have been a bit like riding a roller coaster around here the past 2 weeks. Where do I being.....I had an appt. with my OBGYN and she did a f/u pap smear, she also gave me a Rx for clomid. She said not to fill the Rx till she got my pap results. If it was abnormal (again) she did not want me taking the clomid. Because of my Mom's uterine cancer history and Debbies history of ovarian cysts, she has been watching me closely. So after days of waiting I finally called and woohoo AMEN ...Praise Jesus.....I got the ok to proceed with the clomid. Pap was clear and I am to start the clomid on day 5 of my period. So per calculations I was suppose to ovulate on Feb 1st or 2nd. So I told Steve we have one more chance of doing this naturally (without clomid) so we were both hopeful. Now since I went off the pill in October my periods and ovulation have been right on time. I have been doing OPK's and getitng positive ones every month. Of course this month when we got the clomid shits gotta change RIGHT?  Why because this is just how my life goes ~ DAMN IT. So I have been testing for ovulation since the begining of the month, I have used 10 kits. Thank god they are only a dollar URGH!!!!!   I felt a few twings of pain today so I came home and took another OPK today and it was positive, not a super dark line yet, but by tomorrow I imagine it will be. So hopefully I am going to ovulate this month and if we dont get preggers then I will start the clomid when aunt flow comes to visit. Everyone keeps telling me not to stress about it and I am really trying not to but, its all I think about, especially at night. I picture myself holding a lil baby and it being mine alllll mine ~ Lord this is all I have ever wanted was to be married to a wonderful man and become a Mommy. Its the only dream I ever had my whole life. I am very hopeful and trying to stay positive about this whole thing, but honestly it sucks!  All I see are these lil teenage tramps getting knocked up everywhere I look and me a responsible married woman that can provide a stable and loving home with 2 parents its having issues having a baby. ITS NOT RIGHT!
On a positive note I am doing things on my 2011 list ~ I am going back to church again, which is making things easier, hearing how much you have been missed and knowing I have my pastor and church family praying for me is very comforting. I just give my problems to God and say you deal with it for awhile..... please and thank you!  I am going back the gym and TRYING (not very well thou) to watch what I eat.  I have registerd and paid for school, so March 2nd I will be starting phlebotomy classes. I got 4th row floor seats to see NKOTB in May with Cheryl ( I hope to be preggers by then) , so I am really looking forward to that.  Life is going pretty good I just gotta get my ass in gear and stop feeling sorry for myself and start living the life God has handed to me.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

A Dream Come True

me at the NKOTB concert 6/14/09 15th row

pic I took at the 6/14/11 Nkotb concert
Coming to Buffalo May 28th 2011 and I got 4th row seats ~ Donnie your ass is MINE

No words have ever been more true!

Monday, January 24, 2011

Stacy's Wedding Memory Book - Stacy's Sweet Memories

Stacy's Wedding Memory Book - Stacy's Sweet Memories

Its a new day

I am not sure WHY ~ but I feel like I got a new attitude and some motivation. I visited my cousins this weekend and had a great time. I was able to actually sleep 5hrs in a row, I laughed ALOT, I got to talk and visit with my cousins and my brothers. It was a good weekend that I needed. My cousin Sue recently lost like 30lbs and she looks great. So I feel motivated to get going and lose the weight and start feeling better. I have felt like crap for weeks now and I'm sick of it. I woke up this morning with a horrible headache and my back is KILLING me. I am gonna take some pain meds a hot shower and ride the stationary bike. Steve and I are going out for dinner tonight but I'm not gonna go hog wild. I need to lose 50lbs, get healthy and get pregnant and finally I truly believe I can :) If not for me but for my husband and my family.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

not a good day

Monday, January 17, 2011

Dillon is 3 years old

O my sweet Dillon turned 3 yrs old yesterday ~ I can't believe it!  Seems like only yesterday we were at Mercy the day he was born. I was so honored to be able to be a part of his birth. I love him so very much and he is so fun to be around. Everyday something new and funny comes outta his mouth. I thank god for his sweet lil smile when he says "hi Aunt Stacy" it  make me melt. Putty in his hands ~ I love you bubby





Wednesday, January 12, 2011

cutest picture ever

Bringin it back

So I used to blog just about everyday on myspace ~ Since everyone is on FB now and they dont really offer a blog forum I found blogger. I was not really sure how to use it and I am still figuring out how to make my blog look as pretty and AWESOME as everyone elses, but I am working on it. Thanks to my friend Tillie I remember how much blogging helps. It releases stress and for some reason seeing things written down and in your face makes it real. I love writing, I always have. I consider it FREE therapy.
I have alot of shit going on right now that I know I have to deal with but I don't want to. First and foremost the whole "weight issue" I know I need to lose weight but I cannot seem to find the motivation to do it. I tell myself every morning to be good, stick to the diet, excerise BLAH BLAH BLAH but I always seem to FAIL :(  I know its because I am battling depression (again) I keep trying to keep myself from falling down that hole again but I am afraid I am losing the battle. Since Kenny died it has been a struggle to stay sane its seems. I worry constiently about my mom, about justin......I have these bits of insomnia.  I wake up in the middle of the night and all I see is Kenny laying on the floor and I can't seem to shake that horrible image from my head. I can't begin to tell you how frustrating it is to FINALLY have everything I ever wanted and still be sad :(  It hurts Steve because he feels like he is not doing his job and making me happy, when that is not the case at all, it has NOTHING to do with him.  Which he does not understand. So my decision is this I know its because I got mad at God (again) for taking Kenny from us so I need to accept it and get back to church.  Sunday is a busy day around here but I will be up and dressed and heading to St Pauls come sunday morning NO MATTER WHAT I will be ~ I will pray again everymorning that God gives me the strength to lose the weight and get healthy, and most importantly I think I need to start consuneling.........as much as I dont want to I think I NEED to.........Im gonna go back to school in Febuary for my Phlebotomy certification and get this life of mine back on track.........pray for me :)

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

If Dreams do come true

If what we dream really does come true I better watch out cause I'm gonna have my hands full. Everyone (including myself) has been dreaming about "TWINS" Cheryl, Tracy, Mom, Lydia, Justin, and even myself last night ~ That would be the greatest gift EVER but scary as hell too. I know I could do it ~ but the pregnancy would have me a parnoid lunatic. Anyway I just wanted to document this JUST IN CASE it comes true fingers crossed...........that dreams really do come true :)

Friday, January 7, 2011

MY OBSESSION FOR OVER 20 yrs

New Kids On The Block - 2 In The Morning


Can Donnie be anymore gorgeous :)

Tim McGraw - When The Stars Go Blue

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

How Olive Garden changed my LIFE

Thursday, Jan 10th 2008 as I was driving in my truck on a cold snowy night I can remember actually saying outloud " Don't get your hopes up, at least you get a free dinner out of it"  I pulled into the Olive Garden parking lot full of anticipation, as I stood inside the door waiting for him to arrive I was nervous, excitied and hopeful, as he walked around the corner and I could acutal see his face, I thought OMG he is really handsome. He gave me a hug, told me I looked beautiful, opened the door and we started our date. As we sat and talked the conversation just flowed no akward moments of silence. We laughed and talked and he was so open with me. Anything I asked him he answered without hestation. His eyes were the bluest I had ever seen, I noticed the way his whole face lite up when he smiled :) I never in a MILLON years would have thought I was sitting across the table from my future husband. I was in total shock when I realized that he had drove his scooter in the snow to come meet me. I thought to myself "is this guy crazy"........he walked me to my truck and kissed me very sweetly, gave me a hug and said "thank you for such a great time" I got in my truck and sat there and watched him go over to his scooter ( it was snowing and freezing mind you) he layered up jacket upon jacket and drive off. I was laughing out loud, thinking "what the hell is wrong with this guy" I got home and told Mom all about him she nick named him "scooter steve" I was not sure what this was gonna turn into, but I sure did have FUN. He sent me a few emails and we went out a few more times, called each other often. Eventually I realized why he had a scooter (to save money) he had a dream and he was putting all his time, money and effort into making his dream become a reality. I was not to thrilled about driving us on every date let me tell ya, but I enjoyed being with him so much that it honestly started to not really matter.
He was with me everyday that he was not working, he would drive that scooter through snow storms, rain, hail anything just to be with me for a few hours. By March he told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend :)  I was pretty damn excitied about that. The first year we went through our rough patches like everyone else, He was still living like a college student with not a care in the world. He told me he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me but his actions were not showing that, he was not changing anything. In December I had some medical issues come up, and I think it made him realize he did not wanna lose me.
On our 1yr anniversary he got us a hotel suite at Salvatore's and we went for a fancy dinner. During dinner he mentioned getting married, I said well I thought we would get married in Oct 2010, He said yeah I think that sounds like a plan. Within the next two months, Steve enrolled in college classes to become a machinist, used all his savings to buy my engagement ring, told the landlord he was moving out, purposed and bought a car. He said that he loved me more then anything in the world and all he wanted was to be my husband and start a family. God has blessed us ~ Steve has a wonderful job that he started right after our honeymoon as a machinist :)  He turned his whole life around just to be with me......we started a new life together. I asked God to send me someone amazing, that I could love, trust and laugh with. He sent me all of that and soooo much more. He truly is the love of my life and my best friend. I tell him everything, even things I think he would rather I did not lol lol No matter what happens in this life from here on out I know that with Steve by my side its all gonna be alright.
So to all you ladies out there that think true love does not exist and that all the good guys are gone. Try and keep your head up and wait because when the time is right it will be soooo worth that wait. As we are approaching our anniversary I look back and smile on how far we have come. Monday it will be 3 yrs since that nigt at olive garden and I could not be happier. Guess where he is taking me for dinner Monday night ????
and that is how olive garden changed my life :)

My Motto for 2011